Louise the Christmas “Doll”
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Editor’s Note: As best I can tell, this is a work of fiction. I found it funny. Laugh a little. Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out alive!
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. But every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll – what they call the life-sized kind. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart! I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in a X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll…”
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny! Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”
I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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The Resurrection of “FATHER McFEELY” from Gish’s Auto Paint & Repair
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Unquestionable Faith
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And there was a Great War in Heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon (Lucifer), and the dragon fought and his angels, and prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent called the Devil, and Satan, which deceives the whole world. The devil was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.” Lucifer became Satan, and the fallen angels became Demons. Many ask, “Why didn’t God just destroy Satan?” The answer is, Sin had entered the world. Sin had entered into the very nature of man through Adams transgression (in Genesis, in the Garden of Eden, Adam ate of the forbidden tree, The Tree of Knowledge). For God to destroy Satan, he would also have had to destroy the man he loved. But God had a better way. He had a way of Redemption. And Christ the Redeemer was on His way!
Hell was not made for man. Hell was prepared for the devil and his angels. But those who do not receive Christ as their Lord and Savior will be sent to Hell, and have their part in the lake of fire. Satan is “the god of this world” he ” has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the Gospel of the Glory of Christ” ( 2 Corinthians 4;4)
One becomes a believer (Christian) by Faith. Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10: 17). Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11: 1).
The one true living god convicts our heart. It is through faith we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. Once we accept Jesus into our hearts, all things become new and the old is passed away. All our past sins are forgiven because Jesus died on the Cross-of Calvary and the blood he shed makes us pure as snow and holy before God the Father.
During your Christian Walk, each day Satan will attack you. He is a liar and deceiver. He will place doubts in your mind such as, “What makes you think you are saved, you know you want that alcohol or drugs, look at what you have done in the past and you think God is going to forgive you, you are just trash and totally worthless, etc”. Lost family members or past friends may make fun of you. Pray for your lost family members and find new Christian friends.
The Christian faith is about faith in the resurrected Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth, who lived historically on the earth 2000 years ago, made a definite impact on the people of Israel through his teaching and healing ministry. But it is his resurrection and continued intervention in the lives of His followers that has meant that today He has hundreds of millions who believe in Him and trust Him. Today the Holy Spirit is working all over the earth to reveal Jesus to people in different ways, primarily through the Scriptures of the Holy Bible as they are preached and read.
Answer the conviction that God has placed upon your heart. Have faith that there is one true living God, that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, his death on the Cross Of Calvary, that he has been resurrected and now sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven. Believe that when Jesus stated hanging from the cross, “IT IS FINISHED”, that his blood cleansed us and made us holy unto God.
You can become a Christian and be given eternal life based upon a child-like faith. All you have to do is truly accept Jesus into your heart. Mean it with all sincerity. The following prayer will help you:
God, I know I am a sinner, and I do not deserve your love or forgiveness. But I know your only begotten son, Jesus, shed his blood and died on the cross for me. Jesus, I ask you into my heart now. I need you for I can’t make it on my own. I need for you to cleanse me and make me whole. I turn my heart and my life over to You. Lead me, guide me, and let me become a child of Yours Father God. Thank you for making me clean and whole. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Peace be unto you. Now that you have turned your life over to God, let the earthly things such as alcohol, drugs, prostitution, bad attitudes, hatred, wrath, lusts, and whatever else your demon may be, leave it at the alter. Don’t pick it back up. Let God handle it and guide you and lead you unto righteousness.
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