The Truth Is Out There…ce: Jon Tucker (Kickacts over Tampa, Fla)

As I continue my investigation into the female world, I stumbled upon some really strange things. In one of my previous articles, Relax its just food, I tackled the question on why women like chocolate. In this article, I’m going to tackle a new wonder. I went through the proper channels, gave myself plenty of “kootie” shots, and equipped myself with a slingshot and Midol. Why a slingshot you ask? Well it’s elementary my dear Watson, Midol is a wonderful little pill, but when you are running away or in long distances, you cant just put one in a girls mouth, oh no no my friend you have to shoot it in there. You wouldn’t put your hand in a lions mouth to feed it would you? No I didn’t think so.

            So there I was, sitting at work, and I hear, what sounds like clucking, coming from the set of cubicles next to me. I got excited, finally human resources read and allowed my email about bringing in farm animals for show and tell. Hooray!! I ran to see these chickens and to my shock there were no chickens. Damnit not only did human resources not allow farm animals in the building but I was tricked. With my head down I walk back to my seat. Shortly after I hear the clucking again. I was damned if I was going to get fooled again so I snuck around the corners and saw, or should I say heard women talking.

            I couldn’t believe it, I refused to believe it, but there it was, right in front of me, women talking, but sounding like chickens clucking. So I went to the only person I knew that could help me, some scientist I never met. So after I looked one up, and went to his “lab” as they call it, I introduced myself and we went straight to the brass tax. I told him about my findings, and he pulled me to the side and with a whisper told me I had stumbled upon something that only a few have figured out.

            He took me into a room and played a tape. It sounded just like chickens clucking. I told the scientist that it was just chickens, and he said I was correct. Then he played another audio bit that, again, sounded like clucking. I looked at him and said “Dude if I wanted to hear audio of chickens clucking then I would have used youtube.” He protested and told me to listen very carefully. So I did and to my amazement I could pick out some words in English. After I showed my expression of amazement, he looked at me and said, “Me and some fellow scientists ran some tests and found that chickens clucking and women talking hit the same pitch and frequency. When they “gab” to each other they automatically go into what we call “Clucking tone”. We found it on accident really. We’ve even done some tests were we took audio of women gabbing, and played it for a small group of chickens, and visa versa. It was a startling discovery, they understood each other, and on top of that one woman even laid an egg!”

            This was to much to take in for me. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Just as I was picking up the phone to call a few friends of mine to explain what I learned, the scientist grabbed the phone away from me and told me, “You don’t want to do that. The other scientists I worked with tried doing that and they all lost their lives. You think the feminist group was created so women can bitch, oh no my friend they really are a secret society that slaves to keep women’s secrets…well secret. If you try and talk about this they will kill you.”

            I started to feel sick. On one hand I had to tell someone, anyone that would listen, but on the other hand I don’t feel like being attacked by a hairy arm-pitted bra-less woman. I promised the scientist I wouldn’t let the secret out. As I was leaving the scientist gave me one last glance, and walked away. I don’t know if his life will be in danger since he told me, and I didn’t want to know. The thought of being killed by a feminist was to much for me to think about. What an awful world we live in when we get killed for spreading the truth.

Jon