My New Urologist
As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists , etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me. My family Doctor just recently referred me to a recent graduate, female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she’s absolutely drop-dead gorgeous… She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you……”
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“Jokes of the Day” 02-13-2009
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his ass!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It fucking hurts doesn’t it!”
****
How come Mike Tyson’s eyes always water during sex?
Mace…
****
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.”
****
A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. “Mommy, where do babies come from?” After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, “Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex.” The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, “That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, dear.” The child replies, “But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?” “Jewelery, dear.”
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Golf Injury
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman ran over to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me to”, she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
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Joke of the day 01-18-2009
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, “What did you do at school today hunny?”
“Oh I had sex with my teacher,” he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, “Go talk to your son…he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!”
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, “Son I’m so proud of you I’m going to get you that bike you have wanted.”
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, “Nah dad, my ass is still sore.”
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Another Joke Of The Day
Two old people are having oral sex. He says “I can’t stay down. It stinks!”. She says, “It’s my arthritis.”
“What? In your pussy?”
“No. In my arm. I can’t wipe my ass.”
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Joke of the day 01-17-2009
$7 SEX
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the
couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.
‘
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?’
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
‘
She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
I get $43 back from Medicare.
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“Joke of the Day”
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!’
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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