Hey, Big Brother Beer!!

Here’s the thing: I was raised by my grandparents, and have had zero contact with the woman who gave birth to me since I’m five years old. Last year, my old lady started looking for her, because we’re getting married. We found out that she had died almost two years before. She thinks it’s “weird” that I’m not more upset about it. What do you think?

Signed,

Don’t Know How To Feel

I think your old lady needs to butt the fuck out, DKHTF.

I may be assuming a tad too much, but I’d be willing to bet that hunting down your “egg donor” wasn’t your idea. You may have even given consent for your fiance’ (I’m gonna refrain from calling her “old lady” from this point on, if you don’t mind) to start looking for this “egg donor”, but once you discovered that the woman who gave birth to, and ABANDONED you, was no longer alive, your fiance’ should have seen that you need a little fucking space. I cannot think of a worse time that someone could choose to call someones emotional response “weird”.

Jesus.

You feel any goddamn way you want to about your “egg donor” being dead, DKHTF. Anyone who thinks it’s weird needs to try growing up without a mom.

I look forward to your emails,

Your Big Brother Beer

bigbrotherbeer@hotmail.com

Hello, again!! I’m back from a much needed break. I know you all missed me, so I’ll shut up now and answer a reader’s query.

Dear Big Brother Beer,

My girlfriend and I have been dating now for almost four months. Things have been going great between us. We make each other happy and I truly do love her. There is, however, one thing that we argue about more than anything: her ex. I didn’t mind her ex at first. He broke up with her so I figured that he wasn’t going to try anything to annoy us . I figured that he would move on to someone else and just forget about her. Damn, was I wrong.

A few weeks into our relationship, he started texting my girlfriend saying how he still has feelings for her and how it hurts him to see her happy with someone else. She told him that he blew his chance and to get over it and move on. So then he starts dating my ex in hopes to make her jealous and he still sends her texts saying how he wishes his girlfriend was my girlfriend and how he misses her and how he wants to be with her. I’m getting pretty pissed off about it. I don’t want to resort to violence but I’m willing to if  need be.   Help me, Big Brother Beer, you are my only hope.

Signed,

Just Want Him To Stop

So, you think that beating this guy to a pulp will make him go away? It won’t. Trust me.

If anything, it will double his level of determination and might even have the undesired side effect of making him more sympathetic to your current girlfriend/ his ex.

If you ignore him for long enough, JWHTS, he will go away. But just because you get tired of ignoring him doesn’t mean that he’s ready to go away. And as far as you getting pissed about the texts: Is your girlfriend ANSWERING these texts? Because if she is, I call bullshit. She has to ignore this guy, too. Otherwise, it doesn’t work.

Some people crave attention, JWHTS. Not affection, attention. Of any kind. They don’t care if the people payng attention to them are pissed at them, hate them, or even want to beat the shit out of them. They just want someone to notice them, and react to whatever it is they’re doing. The ONLY way to make them stop is to NOT REACT AT ALL. I can’t stress that enough. Any sort of rise this guy gets out of you will make him want to piss you off even more. But if enough time passes, and he sees that his behavior isn’t going to get him what he wants, he will move on and find someone else to irritate. And you and your girlfriend can get back to the business of leading The Rebellion against The Empire. (Don’t think for a minute that I didn’t catch the Star Wars reference!!)

Your Big Brother Beer

Got a question? Need an answer? I can help!! bigbrotherbeer@gmail.com

I’ve been asked if the letters I receive are real.

Never mind by who. They asked, dammit!

Not only are the letters real, but here’s a couple of my favorites that never made the column, for some reason:

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I’ve got a problem. I hope you can help. My girlfriend won’t fuck me. What should I do?

Wanna Get Laid

Thanks for writing, WGL. Now all my readers know what kind of letter not to write. Anyway, Moving on…

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I’ve been separated from my husband for almost three months now. He used to hit me, and that’s why I left. Not so much because he hit me, but just because he hit me when I didn’t want to be hit. I’ve discovered, somewhat late in life, that I’m a classic bottom. I like to be hit, smacked around, spanked, etc. I think the reason that I stayed with my ex so long was that I didn’t know how to deal with being a bottom. I didn’t know that this was nothing to be ashamed of. What do you think? Am I right?

Not Ashamed At All

Mom, I told you to quit reading this column. Go back upstairs. GOD!

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I stole some shit from the place I work, now I feel guilty. Should I return the shit I stole?

Unsigned

Yes.

The point is, dear readers, that I can hear the bullshit in these letters like a dog hears one of them weird little whistles. Do not waste your time. Or mine. If you have a serious question, it is recommended that you click this link: bigbrotherbeer@gmail.com