Hello, again!! I’m back from a much needed break. I know you all missed me, so I’ll shut up now and answer a reader’s query.

Dear Big Brother Beer,

My girlfriend and I have been dating now for almost four months. Things have been going great between us. We make each other happy and I truly do love her. There is, however, one thing that we argue about more than anything: her ex. I didn’t mind her ex at first. He broke up with her so I figured that he wasn’t going to try anything to annoy us . I figured that he would move on to someone else and just forget about her. Damn, was I wrong.

A few weeks into our relationship, he started texting my girlfriend saying how he still has feelings for her and how it hurts him to see her happy with someone else. She told him that he blew his chance and to get over it and move on. So then he starts dating my ex in hopes to make her jealous and he still sends her texts saying how he wishes his girlfriend was my girlfriend and how he misses her and how he wants to be with her. I’m getting pretty pissed off about it. I don’t want to resort to violence but I’m willing to if  need be.   Help me, Big Brother Beer, you are my only hope.

Signed,

Just Want Him To Stop

So, you think that beating this guy to a pulp will make him go away? It won’t. Trust me.

If anything, it will double his level of determination and might even have the undesired side effect of making him more sympathetic to your current girlfriend/ his ex.

If you ignore him for long enough, JWHTS, he will go away. But just because you get tired of ignoring him doesn’t mean that he’s ready to go away. And as far as you getting pissed about the texts: Is your girlfriend ANSWERING these texts? Because if she is, I call bullshit. She has to ignore this guy, too. Otherwise, it doesn’t work.

Some people crave attention, JWHTS. Not affection, attention. Of any kind. They don’t care if the people payng attention to them are pissed at them, hate them, or even want to beat the shit out of them. They just want someone to notice them, and react to whatever it is they’re doing. The ONLY way to make them stop is to NOT REACT AT ALL. I can’t stress that enough. Any sort of rise this guy gets out of you will make him want to piss you off even more. But if enough time passes, and he sees that his behavior isn’t going to get him what he wants, he will move on and find someone else to irritate. And you and your girlfriend can get back to the business of leading The Rebellion against The Empire. (Don’t think for a minute that I didn’t catch the Star Wars reference!!)

Your Big Brother Beer

Got a question? Need an answer? I can help!! bigbrotherbeer@gmail.com

I’ve been asked if the letters I receive are real.

Never mind by who. They asked, dammit!

Not only are the letters real, but here’s a couple of my favorites that never made the column, for some reason:

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I’ve got a problem. I hope you can help. My girlfriend won’t fuck me. What should I do?

Wanna Get Laid

Thanks for writing, WGL. Now all my readers know what kind of letter not to write. Anyway, Moving on…

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I’ve been separated from my husband for almost three months now. He used to hit me, and that’s why I left. Not so much because he hit me, but just because he hit me when I didn’t want to be hit. I’ve discovered, somewhat late in life, that I’m a classic bottom. I like to be hit, smacked around, spanked, etc. I think the reason that I stayed with my ex so long was that I didn’t know how to deal with being a bottom. I didn’t know that this was nothing to be ashamed of. What do you think? Am I right?

Not Ashamed At All

Mom, I told you to quit reading this column. Go back upstairs. GOD!

Hey, Big Brother Beer!

I stole some shit from the place I work, now I feel guilty. Should I return the shit I stole?

Unsigned

Yes.

The point is, dear readers, that I can hear the bullshit in these letters like a dog hears one of them weird little whistles. Do not waste your time. Or mine. If you have a serious question, it is recommended that you click this link: bigbrotherbeer@gmail.com

Hey, Big Brother Beer!!

Here’s a problem that I’m dealing with. Maybe you can help.

I’m a newlywed, working two jobs, while my wife finishes college. We’re scraping by, barely, but the problem isn’t financial. It’s the constant barrage of insults and negativity from my wife.

I’m home for less than an hour between jobs, and I barely have time to shower and change clothes, let alone to clean the kitchen or mow grass. But every night I get my ass chewed for either for doing “a piss poor job” on something or for not doing something that I didn’t have time to do. She seems to think that since she’s taking classes, that I should also be doing all the house and yard work, presumably on my one day off a week. When she graduates she thinks she’ll be “making enough money to buy three guys to replace me”, although how she’s going to do this with a psychology degree is beyond me.

I’m just about at my wits end. I know that finishing a degree can be stressful, but am I out of line in thinking that she owes me at least a little gratitude? Her parents have had zero contact with her in all the years I’ve known her. The only reason she’s able to pursue her degree is my willingness to support her. But her behavior lately has given me second thoughts about everything, including our marriage.

Signed,
Tired Of This Shit

First of all, TOTS, do you want me to make you feel better, or tell you what I think you should do? Never mind. You know what? You’re gonna get both. Whether you like it or not.

First, the feel-better:

Yes, your wife’s behavior is unacceptable. No, you’re not out of line by expecting a little gratitude.

Now, the what-you-should-do:

Why you are still with this horrible woman is beyond me. Leave. Kick her out. Whatever. My first instinct was to eviscerate you for being so spineless that you felt you needed someones permission to leave this poor excuse for a female. But if your letter is accurate, then you’ve probably taken your share of ass chewings for this decade and the next one.

But then again, if you wanted to leave, you would’ve fucking done it by now.

So what am I supposed to here, TOTS?? Make you feel better about being being this awful, soulless bitch’s bitch? I don’t think that’s possible. And you don’t need permission from me or anyone else to change the water you’re treading in. Do you just want someone to feel sorry for you? You’re not gonna get that here, so why ask me?

Is it possible that the tale, if painted with the brush of reality, isn’t quite so favoring of the teller? See, That’s my guess. I think that if you gave me your address, and I showed up and put eyeballs on the situation, that your ass would be living a different lie than the one your mouth has told me here. I’m just mad that it took me this long to figure it out.

So, in conclusion, TOTS, once you’ve seen this floating in the etherwebs, if you feel I’ve misjudged you, feel free to drop me another note. But just remember: My bullshit detector gets better with age. Lucky for you this is the only letter I got this week.

Hugs and Kisses,
Your Big Brother Beer

P.S. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this one!! All correspondence guaranteed confidential.

bigbrotherbeer@gmail.com