Blended Family Blues

Dear Brother Beer,

I am a single mother with 2 boys who lives with a man who has 3 daughters. My boys are with us all the time and his girls visit every other weekend. When they are here, they are allowed to do whatever they want, stay up as late as they want and their dad does not discipline them at all. They are very rude to me and my sons. When I have mentioned this to my boyfriend, he has shrugged it off with excuses about “making the weekend fun.” This has caused some tension between us and I would rather find somewhere else to be when they come over. How can I get him to see what I see when they come over?

Signed,
Not the Evil Step-Mom

Ah, the blended family! They are fun, aren’t they? Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to share a dwelling with people that you don’t know and who don’t really want you there? There’s nothing quite as wonderful as finding the man of your dreams, building a life together, and having the whole thing ruined when his pesky kids show up and get in the way. Fortunately, there are an abundance of household cleaners that make great poisons. The only problem is they show up on an autopsy. So be careful, NtESM. It would suck if your attempts to make your life perfect ended with a lengthy prison sentence. You may want to think about hiring someone to take ‘em out. Hell, while your at it, find out if your man is sick of YOUR kids. The hit man you hire may have a family discount. These are tough economic times. Everyone is offering bargains. You think assassins are any different? They aren’t. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.

I know, I know. Your kids are practically saints. There’s not a chance in hell that your boyfriend would want them out of the picture. It’s just HIS kids that are causing all the trouble. There’s no way that the rudeness you are forced to endure two weekends a month could be a daily experience for him, now is there? Because it’s only his brats that express the resentment they feel for the situation that they’ve been forced into by responding rudely in social situations. Your kids would never dream of doing something so completely normal under such stress inducing, life changing circumstances. Or would they?

Alright, NtESM, have I beat up on you enough? Good. Now you, your live-in boyfriend, your perfect little angels and his rude little hellions need to get your asses into family counseling pronto. But don’t rule out the hired assassin just yet. You may find that to be less costly than therapy, depending on which benefits your health care provider is denying this week.

Your Big Brother Beer

How Can I Get My Man To Be Adventurous?

Dear Big Brother Beer,

I have been dating this guy for a couple of years now. How can I get him to be more “adventurous” in bed? I mean, I would like to try something new every now and again but just not sure on how to bring up the subject without hurting his man ego. Things are great except this nagging thing on my part, I am willing to try anything. So how can I get him to do this for the both of us?

Signed,
~~ Bored but Wanting More

Dear BbWM,

I’m assuming that your love life consists of fairly vanilla, missionary position, minimal foreplay, good old fashioned American sex. If that’s the case, then I would be willing to bet that your guy is just as bored as you are, and probably just as worried about hurting your feelings as you are his.

Most people learn just enough about sex to make procreation possible. Which is a shame, really, seeing as how many sick, depraved, totally non-baby making  sex acts are not only possible, but  a whole lotta  fun. Some people go through their whole lives without even knowing what a reverse cowgirl is, let alone ever trying it.  My guess is that your man is going to be a lot more open to your suggestions than you think. And as long as you avoid criticizing the the girth or length of his manhood, I wouldn’t worry worry about bruising his fragile Male Ego.

Then again, BbWM, my assumption that you and Mr. BbWM don’t even wrinkle the sheets could be way off. If you’re already to the point that riding crops and candle wax are boring, then that’s another issue altogether. But either way, an honest conversation about what you both want will go a long way towards giving both of you more sexual satisfaction.

Oh, and just so you can’t say I didn’t warn you, once you’ve started telling your boyfriend what YOU want in bed, BbWM, no fair getting all prudish if some of the things HE suggests either disgust or frighten you. Or both. In other words, don’t ask scary questions if you aren’t prepared to hear some scary responses. You never know, BbWM. You might have been dating a sexual deviant all these years without even knowing it. If so, congratulations. The sexual “adventures” you crave so deeply will be yours.

-Big Brother Beer

Got a question? I wanna answer it! Didn’t like my advice? Bring it on!

Breakup Could Leave Teenage Girlfriend Homeless

Big Brother Beer,

I’m a senior in high school and I leave for the Army in June, right after graduation. I love my girlfriend, but I don’t think I want to be tied down after I leave for basic training. The problem is that we live together (at my Mom’s house, she’s had some problems with her home life), and have been for a year. If I break up with her, she’s gonna want to move out. But she has no where to go. That means five or so awkward months of us living together as platonic roommates, and kinda kills any chance of me enjoying my new-found single-ness.

Should I break up with her now, or wait until it’s less awkward?  I don’t want to hurt her, because she’s a really good person. But I don’t feel comfortable living a lie, either.

Signed,
Fucked No Matter What I Do

Dear FNMWID,

First of all, thanks for posting such a soft ball question. Seeing as how I’m brand new at this, it would have been unfair if I had landed one of those complicated, many-layered questions that requires a long, drawn out answer. Thank God your question is none of those things.

Kudos on being the kind of person who gives someone who has nowhere to go somewhere to stay. Also, if you don’t already think your mom is one of the coolest ladies ever, then you don’t deserve to be her son. There aren’t too many moms that would let their teenage son’s girlfriend move in with them. So count that among your many blessings.

OK. Now, for the brow beating you so richly deserve.

Your teenage girlfriend, who, from what I gather, was essentially homeless, accepted you and your mom’s kind offer to move in with you. But now, your tired of playing house with her, and want her the hell out of there so you can have some fun before boot camp.

Fair enough. Your entitled to your happiness, FNMWID. Even if it forces your ex into a homeless shelter or the foster care system. Whatever gets you some strange, right?

I hope I wasn’t too rough on you, FNMWID. But It’s a little infuriating that you’re even considering this. Here’s my first piece of advice: If you break it off with her, she ain’t gonna stick around. And not having anywhere to go ain’t gonna stop her.

You can’t sacrifice five lousy months of ass grabbing in the interest of your girlfriend’s well being and safety? You claim to care about her, love her, even. But if you drop this bomb on her now, chances are she’s gonna pack a bag and end up God knows where, doing God knows what to get by. Oh, and do you want to know where she won’t be? In school. And what she won’t be doing? Graduating. All because you can’t wait until summer reruns to kick her to the curb.

This is gonna sound like Old-Guy bullshit to your teenage ears, FNMWID, but you’ve got the rest of your life to chase tail and bird-dog the beaver, to use one of my dad’s more colorful expressions. The chances of you missing out on the lay of your life because you did the right thing by someone you care about are slim to none, trust me. The chances that something terrible could end up happening to your girlfriend if you break up with her are far greater.

I other words, FNMWID, WAIT IT OUT. If you care about this girl as much as you claim, than it’s time to realize that the one who’s fucked in this situation is your girlfriend, not you. And what you do about it DOES matter. A whole helluva lot.

Big Brother Beer

Got a question? I’d love to answer it! Thought my response to a question was lousy? Bring it on!

Married Man Cries At Movies

Dear Big Brother Beer,

I am a married man and every time I watch “When Harry Met Sally” I bawl like a baby during the romantic parts… Am I secretly gay and just don’t know it? I cry more than my wife does.

Dear Having,

There ain’t a damn thing wrong with crying during romantic movies. And unless the movie is “Brokeback Mountain”, there’s little chance that such behavior is an indicator of repressed homosexuality. That doesn’t mean that your buddies aren’t gonna give you shit for it, but if your watching Rom-Coms with the guys, then maybe we do need re-examine the whole “Gay and don’t know it” thing. Just sayin’.

As long as your wife is the only one who sees this side of you, you’re golden, man. And if your wife is anything like my lady, there’s a good chance that having a sensitive hubby who’s not afraid to cry is a huge turn-on for her. So let the tears flow, bro. And for the love of god, NEVER put in a DVD of any movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book if there are dudes around. You’ve been warned.

Got a question for Big Brother Beer? I’d love to answer it!