And Then The Fight Started …
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Special thanks to David Burris for these jokes !!!
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started….
****
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too’
And then the fight started…..
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into b ed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started …
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…..
****
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and l ittle things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…..
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And then the fight started…..
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
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The National Enquirer “You’re A Freaking Douche”
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The National Enquirer is running an article in their current magazine about the Actor Patrick Swayze. The Article is entitled “The End”. Well, unless you have been under a rock for the past year or so, it is well known through legit news sources that Patrick was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in March of 2008. He recently did an interview with Barbara Walters in January to set the record straight on how he is doing and how the treatment is going. He knows realistically that surviving this type of cancer is rare but has chosen to fight it and to continue working. I give him two thumbs up for that. He continues to work on his new made for TV Movie project “The Beast”, working on his book and spending time with his family.
Now for the “You’re a freaking Douche” of the week nomination. It goes out to the “National Enquirer” for running such a thoughtless and uncaring article. It seems the people that write for these scandal sheets are ruthless and uncompassionate forms of life at best. How would they feel if they had the same almost hopeless diagnosis and then on top of that stress had to deal with cameramen following them around and watching their every move? Or when they walk into a grocery store they basically see their obituary printed out for the whole world to see? Think about it, He is fighting for his life. Literally, for his life. And this Douche bag of a magazine runs an article saying it’s already over and He has gone home to die. Hell, back in March of 2008, they ran an article saying he had less than five weeks to live. They were wrong but they ran it anyway.
Patrick Swayze is not the first or last celebrity that has been featured in this worthless magazine with their life on the line and The National Enquirer already having their funeral covered long before they are dead.
Patrick may or may not survive but let’s give him a chance and the space to give it his best shot. It’s not a movie script, it’s real life. It’s his life. Let him live in peace …
So for this week and as far as I am concerned, for the entire year …
So to the “The National Enquirer” and the people that write those horrible stories “You’re a freaking Douche” of the Week”…
chuck gee
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