Kick Acts Online Blog

A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do.  What do you suggest?”

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again.”

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You’ll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

A son asked his mother the following question: ‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’ The mother looks at her son and replies: ‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’ The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’ The father looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

(They are still looking for dad !!)

Just a warning to all the ladies who may be heading to Florida this vacation season.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ”Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, ‘I have a suppository in my ear?’ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, ‘Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid..’

Next one lol

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’

Next one lol

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.’ The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait  the trap.’

Next one lol

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

Next one lol

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’
I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the
afternoon.

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.’ I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’ She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

Next one lol

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray…’ God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.’

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Edna again prays…. ‘God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’

Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

‘Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.’