Beware Old Men

Joke courtesy of Mulysa.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’ ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’ ‘I promise I won’t’ she says. ‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

The Shopping Trip

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’

Vince Neil – Chicken Dancing

Ever wonder what your favorite rockers do when they’re not in the studio or on tour?

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Entertaining Junk Mail Subject Lines

I received this link indirectly from an email newsletter and I thought you readers might get a chuckle out of the list of subject lines this guy has received.

http://www.sweetmantra.com/2009/04/torpedoes-carrots-and-pythons-my-favourite-spam-subject-lines.html

Which one made you smile?

Incident At Cabela’s

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela’s associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’

He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.’

She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’ As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

‘Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,’ he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $34.50 please.’

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?’

He replies, ‘Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.’

Joke sent in by our friend David Burris

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,  “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”

“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,  and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh, okay”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way,  “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.  “We collect them and send them back to the biscuit manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”

“I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.  “Well, Rabbi”, he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi.  “We save up all the foreskins and send them to the  IRS,  and once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Stock Broker Fail

Don’t pay attention to the guy giving the report, he’s not the focus of the video.

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Breach Of Contract

The first question I would ask the candidate is “are you sterile” before I ever went any further. Of course, as a candidate, I would not divulge that I’d been fixed unless specifically asked. Oh, and I’d hang on the the $2500 until my “services” were no longer needed and then I’d offer a refund.

Pay Your Bills!

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story ……… Pay your bills.

Sermon Canceled!

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the
congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, ‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while’. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said… ‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.