The Interview of a Lifetime Part III

Mr. Ed’s office most of the time looks like a bomb went off in it but with a distinct smell of a certain flavored potato chip odor. And his desk is covered in magazines and newspapers from all over the world. He even reads the Wall Street Journal from time to time and I’m willing to bet right now he doesn’t even have a clue to what any of that means…He’s just a simple old balding man trying to stay afloat in this dog eat dog profession. His office walls are covered with old photos and newspaper clippings from around the world. Some are really old too, I mean really old..…One of clippings is the actual Newspaper account of how journalist Ernie Pyle died while covering the battles back during World War II…That’s just a little bit before his time and it must have been something that belonged to his Father who, by the way, also was an Editor.… Mr. Ed does have one prized procession on his desk. Well, ok, two. A jar of Jelly beans and an autographed photo of Perry White!! Or well, the actor that played Perry White that is, John Hamilton. But it’s signed ““Great Caesar’s ghost!” ..Perry. …….Seems like I remember Mr. Ed saying his wife got it for him a long time ago. And about Mr. Ed’s wife, that’s a whole ‘nother story I may or may not tell you later…But let me say this much … She is sweet, and totally devoted to her husband, kinda a “Father Knows Best” type of Lady… A real classy act…No kidding!!! She’s nothing like the women in today’s world… If she was 30 years younger and single,…Well I would ………hmmmm…Well, I probably would be chasing after her…Hey, Get your minds out of the gutter…I don’t write smut…(though I hear it pays well…..)

Back to Mr. Ed…..Here I am, standing in his office again, and… as usual, desk clutter up to the ceiling….empty bags of chips in the trash… You know, going back over it again I know, but tater chips do have that certain smell to them…Its not bad though compared to how it used to smell like in here.…Today’s flavor is sort of Bar “b” que’y..…..You see, Mr. Ed, not only wanted to be like Perry White, the Editor of the Daily Planet but he also took up cigar smoking in his younger years just like ole Perry. At one time you would have never caught him without one…He was always chewing on it…All along while its glowing fire turned everything in his office to that dirty yellow color from the smoke..…And while I’m here, you might as well hear my opinion of smoking. He too,(That’s Mr. Ed if you are getting lost) was like a lot of young impressible foolish people that took up that awful habit.…Hey I did it too at one time before you go sand bagging me..…I thought it was cool too along with everyone else of my “generation” There’s those “quote unquote” things again. (I seem to use them a lot I know, journalist expressions) …..I used to go to the high school football games and hang out with the chicks…It was nothing for me to be putting on “My game face” with a long Kool menthol hanging out the side of my mouth. I was the tough guy you see… The hero…Bogart….Bogie…or Clint Eastwood and maybe even Burt Reynolds in The Smokey and the Bandit all rolled up into one.….I thought cigarettes made the person…But fortunately for me I saw though their “coolness” and realized it was just another stupid habit…So I quit smoking way before the cigarettes dug their claws into my very being and “Set the Hook”…Mr. Ed was one of the countless unfortunate ones though that didn’t see through the whole smoking hype. Hard headed is what I call them…He kept missing the tall tale warning signs and also ignored the government warning signs printed on the packages. Come on people, the warning labels aren’t there to take up space…..Mr. Ed needed a heart attack and a couple of bypasses to convince him that living and breathing was a lot better than smoking and dying….Too bad a lot of people don’t get that second chance…They enjoy the artificially flavored cancerous smoke as it slowly and methodically chokes the very life out of them..

Ok, so I’m off my cigarette soapbox…hopefully, I didn’t lose anyone…I will however say that if you smoke,. you smoke…You shouldn’t be forced to go outside and smoke just because it supposed to be a smoke free world we live in now…Smokers have Rights too…I wonder how many have actually died from having to smoke outside in the winter and catching their death of cold? I mean they all ready can’t breathe from all that smoking and then the government runs them outside to have a “smoke” to catch pneumonia. Well, I had to get one more dig in there about smoking…and well, according to Old man Buzby, never trust the Government …Even if you have defended it…

The Interview of a Lifetime Part II

Mr. Ed, or the little fat guy he is sometimes referred to by me behind his back, does what most Editors do…He assigns us jobs, or interviews as it is known in the quote unquote “business”. He had seen the story on the local television station about Wilbur the “Counting Cars” old man and insisted that I go and see him and get a story from him too..He was a nice old man. Lived all his life here in our little town. Buried his second wife and never wanted to get married again..I guess he figured them out too…Not that I’m bitter toward women per say..Now don’t get me wrong..I could enjoy their company too. Well, until the newness wore off and then I would grow tired of them real quick..Its like they wear a nice mask until they think they have their hooks in ya and then they pull the mask off to show their true colors….Claws and drama…Or so it has been my experience.. But in a way I guess guys do the same thing too and are no better…

Anyway, back to the little fat guy…He sent me to see Wilbur and he also sent me to Mr. Buzby, the typewriter/vcr repair man..I have interviewed the elite of this little town all the way down to the garage man. Whom by the way, if he didn’t do his job we would be run over by mounds of filthy garbage and rats the size of small dogs in just a matter of a few weeks time. At least that is what he told me….Talk about digressing into the old days. I don’t think we are expecting any plagues thanks to him….

Well, enough about Mr. Ed, or Mr. Buzby or even Mr. Wilbur..How bout me? Who am I? To this date I have never been interviewed. Well, except for when I applied for this job.. I have always done the interviewing…Why isn’t anyone interested in me? I think I would make a great story. A good read….a tragedy even maybe? Or maybe how bout a success story? My only claim to fame is a short story I got published while I was still wet behind my ears. I guess it’s my legacy…My pillar…Not much of pillar though, I can’t stand on it but it was one of the few things I got to keep in the divorce….My ex-wife would have taken that too if she could have…feel the love??

Who am I you may ask? And as your loyal “wordsmith,” I can answer that…..

I am Charles, a noble name but not of noble blood…Far from it…I hailed not from the shores of England and their fine Royal linage, but from a squatter..Squatter??? You may act surprised if need be…..You see, my folks grew up on the banks of the mighty Ohio river…They were so poor that they couldn’t afford homes so they built shanties on the river bank. There was small community of poor people living for free on the river. Just like in the song “Proud Mary”…The people in the city called it “fish town”….It was meant as an insult and not as a compliment…But the people of “fish town” took it all in stride…They didn’t let it bother them so I guess they took the high road.. To this day I’ll meet people that talk bad about where I came from and I’ll give them enough strong rope to hang themselves before I proudly say…”I lived in fish town”…Even Though I have no recollection of it….

So the story goes that my dad and mom met young, married young, had kids young and then separated, all while they were, still young..I recollect all this happened within the span of a couple of years or so. Seems my dad had an eye for chasing skirts and well, my mom was against that. Especially considering they were married at the time. I also have a half brother or two running around here somewhere too…Anyway, I was born and…..”What’s that Mr. Ed”? Sorry the intercom just went off…. He could of just IM’d me but he chooses to use the outdated intercom system that came with the building, circa 1982 maybe??.. “You have another assignment for me? I’ll be right there Boss”..

The Interview of a Lifetime Part I